Fear
by burgerman
Summary: Just trying to make sense of current season.


It was a beautiful autumn day in Connecticut. The leaves on the trees have already turned

colors in preparation for their winters sleep. A Jeep is driving on a two lane highway. It's

driver, an attractive woman with blue eyes. Eyes that once had sparkled as if stars had been

trapped within, but now seemed dull and lifeless, guides the vehicle towards a small town.

A town, that until recently, had been her home for many years. But no longer for she now

lived in Boston with here new husband. A man she had known almost all her life and was the

father of her only child . She should be happy, but she could only wonder when it had all

started to go so wrong

After many attempts at a normal family life with this man and many failures, she had

finally resigned herself to settle for him. At this point in his life he had become a safe bet.

He had inherited a large sum of money, and was able to provide for their daughter, also he

provided the distractions she needed to cope with her everyday life. These allowed her to

bury her thoughts, thoughts of what might of been.

If asked, she would say that she loved him, and in a way she did. He had given her Rory,

her beloved daughter, and for that she would always love him. There had been a time when

the only person she loved with every fiber of her being had been Rory. Rory had come from

her very soul. For many years, even though she dated and maybe even loved a few men, she felt

no man could ever reach her soul. No man could ever mean that much to her. She had been

wrong.

There was a man , who at first seemed to be nothing more than an acquaintance. Then a

casual friend, but as time passed and lives were shared deeper feelings on both sides began to

appear. Both had bouts of unexplained jealously, and there was always this tension that passed between them. At times they would have bitter arguments, but would always find their way

back to one another.

There was something they shared. It was fear. Fear of the unknown. Neither could believe

the other would want to be with them. So they danced around one another. Their friends could

not understand how it was that they could be so clueless , for so long. But one day the man had

had enough. He was ready to take a chance and consequences be damned. He asks her to go to

his sisters wedding. She says yes.

At first all is normal, more or less. But as the evening continues, looks are exchanged

that carry a larger meaning. Then it happens. A moment. A connection. It happens out on the

dance floor. She thinks about how it feels to be in his arms as they waltz. Who knew he could

waltz?

He looks into those blue eyes. Eyes that sparkle like stars. Her smile fills his heart causing

it to feel as if it could burst. He wonders, could he be the one causing that smile? He hopes so.

Then the evening is over and he walks her home. As they near her front door, they make small

talk about their evening. Then there is an awkward silence, neither knowing what to say. Finally

he breaks it.

"I had a good time tonight, Lorelai. Maybe we should go out again sometime, maybe

see a movie"

She stares back at him with a schoolgirls smile and says

"Yay, maybe we should."

And so it began. The love she thought she would never have. This man, this good man

who she had known for eight years. The man who had always been there for her, the man who

she had overlooked for so long, he was the one. The one who could reach her soul. They had

been happy for a time. They made plans for their shared future. They even got engaged and

made wedding plans. Everything was on track for a happy life. Everything except the Fickle

Finger of Fate.

Fear is a powerful emotion. It causes, we mere mortals, to do very stupid things. During

the time they had been a couple, they had been happy. Deliriously so at times, but there had also

been some unhappy times.

Their first breakup had come at the hands of her mother and present husband. Secrets had

been revealed, innocent as they were, they still caused damage to a fragile ego. His ego. The

man had a rough life. A life scared by loss, of people he loved leaving him. First his mother died

when he was a boy. Then his sister ran off with her loser boyfriend. His first love could never

seem to stay around, always leaving when things got too serious, but the one that had affected him most was the loss of his father.

This fear of loss had kept him away from his lady love. Even though he was able to control it enough to get back together with her, it was always there, waiting just under the surface.

For her part, the breakup had been devastating. She took to her bed and stayed there for days. She would only respond to Rory. It was for her daughters sake that she tried to return to

a normal life. On the surface, at least, she kept a brave face, but when alone she would

sob uncontrollably for hours. They did eventually reconcile and tried to get back to their happy

life, but for her also the fear of loss was always there.

As she continued on her way towards town, she started seeing familiar sites. Buildings

and signs she had passed so many times before. The nearer she got, the more tense she became.

Then she reached the center of town, and could see Miss Patty's and the gazebo on her right.

She knew what she would see if she looked to her left. It was her past and what might have been

her future. She could not bear to look and yet out of the corner of her eye, she saw the Williams

Hardware sign. She could also see the yellow coffee cup sign with his name "LUKE'S". A

tear rolls down her cheek as she says the name in her mind. And then she feels it. A presence,

as if somebody just said her name, as if he had just said her name, as only he could. She hurries

through town on the way to her beloved Inn, desperate to be away from there.

As she parks in front of the Inn, she smiles her first genuine smile she's given in ages. A

smile she was once famous for. She gets out of the Jeep and stands staring at her second greatest

accomplishment. Her first being Rory. She remembers all the work it took and help she had from

friends. One friend in particular, and then the smile is gone. She remembers their first kiss on the

porch. A sigh escapes from her as she enters her Inn. She doesn't get to spend much time here anymore. Chris wants her in Boston at all times. He says it's because he likes having her close,

but she knows Chris fears her proximity to him. As if he could ever want her ever again after

all that has happened. She stands in the lobby taking it all in. The sights, sounds and even the

smells coming from Sookie's kitchen. She hears the uptight voice with the French accent and is

glad for the familiarity of it. "God, how I've missed this place and the people" she thinks to

herself. She makes her way to the front desk where Michel is on the phone. As he hangs up he

starts to ask "how may I hel..." and stops when he sees who it is. A smile crosses his face, for he

is genuinely glad to see her, but it is soon replaced by his normal condescending demeanor. They

speak for a time, exchanging pleasantries and catching up. She then tells him she wants to go over the books with him, but first she wants to see Sookie in the kitchen.

With that , she turns and makes her way back towards the lobby, but stops as if she were

paralyzed. In a way she was. Paralyzed by fear. In all her wildest dreams, she never thought she

would see him standing in the lobby of her inn. The one place she would be if she were in town.

He is standing there looking directly at her, his eyes never leaving her face. As he walks towards

her, all she wants to do is run. To get away. She doesn't move, but instead looks back at him.

"Has it only been a year since we broke up?" she thinks. He looks pretty much the same, but his

eyes look so old, lifeless even. Then it hits her, It's like looking in a mirror at her own eyes.

He comes to stop several feet in front of her and says here name "Lorelai".

The same feeling she had in town, when driving past the diner returns. She feels

lightheaded. All she can think to say is " How?"

Understanding her meaning as only two lovers or former lovers could, he answers

"I saw you driving through town"

She wonders now if he really might have called out her name when she drove by. Was

there some kind of connection between them still? Her feelings, that she has kept buried all this

time start to bubble up to the surface. Fear, pain, anger and even love fight for her attention. She

chooses anger for the moment and responds with an edge to her voice "What do you want?"

A mild look of shock and then understanding cross his face. Then he sighs

"Look Lorelai, I know you don't owe me a thing. That you've moved on with your life.

But I'm asking for five minutes of your time. That's all."

She glares back and spits out "Why should I?"

The only response he can come up with is "Ten years of friendship."

She stares back at him, holding on to her sanity by the barest thread. She whispers back

"Okay."

Then she walks out the front door of the Inn and heads to the stables. He follows her

understanding her need for space. She stops and turns around to face him. She brings her arms

up to hug herself. To try to comfort herself. He stops in front of her and jams his hands in his

back pockets.

There they stand for a moment, just looking at one another in awkward silence not to

unlike a time in their past. This time he is again the first to speak.

"I heard you got married to Christopher and I'm glad your happy. That you finally got

the whole package. Rory finally got her dad for real and you have someone your parents approve

of. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy."

Then he pauses as if to catch his breath. It had taken a lot out of him to say those words.

Then he hears it. It's just a whisper coming from her, but he still hears it.

" I was happy with you. "

He feels the weight of the world crash down on him. Up till this point he has been holding it together. Trying to say what he came to say without the emotion he's been feeling,

but as he begins his rant his voice rises with his desperation.

"I wasn't the right guy for you. You deserved so much more than I had to offer. You

deserve a big life just like Rory. I knew that, your mother knew that, hell even Dean knew it.

But I was too pigheaded to even listen to myself. All the signs were there, but I wouldn't listen.

I wanted to be with you so badly. I knew one day something would come along to take you from

me. That's why I always had a hard time dealing with Chris's and your relationship. That's why

I freaked when Mike Armstrong offered you that deal to buy the Inn and give you that job with

all the traveling. That's why when April came into my life I shut you out. I tried to tell you about

her but every time I did I panicked. I was afraid of someone else that I loved leaving me. I tried

to hold on to you and not lose my chance with April at the same time and failed miserably."

Again he stops as if to catch his breath. He feels tired and drained. He continues, but in

a much more subdued voice.

"Lorelai, I came here today to do two things. Since you moved I didn't know If I would

ever get this chance again."

She nods and asks quietly "What are they?"

"First I came to ask for your forgiveness. I know you don't love me anymore. I have to

live with that everyday of my life. Knowing that I drove you away. That I hurt you, but if I

thought you hated me..." with that he lost his voice, his throat choked with emotion.

She stood there looking at the man she loved with all her heart and soul. The good man

that should be mad at her for sleeping with Chris on the night of their breakup. Asking her for

forgiveness. Why hadn't she waited for him? He had waited for her for eight years. He had come

to her house the next morning. Ready to open up to her. She knew him well enough to know that

was his style. All through their relationship they had played the same game. He would get quiet,

surly even and she would prod him and push him till he opened up to her. What had been different this time? She had kept quiet all through the April incident, but why? You were so

afraid of losing him after the first breakup. What would be different today if I hadn't been afraid?

If I had been my normal self and confronted him before I felt so hurt that I blew up at him. It is

then she realizes he had stopped talking and was waiting for her to respond.

" I don't hate you Luke, I could never hate you" she said in a pained voice.

He nods his head in reply and then manages to say "Thank you".

Once again silence, but this time it is she who breaks it.

"You said there were two things you wanted. What's the second?"

Up until now his eyes had never left hers, but with that question they turn to the ground

at her feet.

" I wanted to say goodbye to you. We may never see one another again and I don't want

to end up some old man sitting in a rocking chair at the old folks home regretting that I didn't

have the guts to face you. To tell you that knowing you has been the ten best years of my life.

Goodbye, Lorelai." With that he turned around and walked away. With each step wondering

how long he was going to be able to hold it together.

As she stands there watching his back grow smaller and smaller, she does not move. In

fact it is many minutes after he disappears from view and her only movement is her shallow

breathing. She hears his last words repeating over and over in her mind. She opens her mouth

and a whispered "Goodbye, Luke" escapes.

It is then a feeling from deep inside comes. It feels as if someone is tearing her heart out.

In her mind she hears what sounds like the crushing of stone. The wall she has been hiding behind, that she has kept her feelings behind is coming apart. It's as if she has been hit by

lighting. The pain is so intense, it drowns out everything else. Then she hears it. A sound.

Muffled at first, but growing louder. It is the sound of an animal. A animal being tortured.

Why won't anybody help it? Make it stop!! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!JUST MAKE IT

STOP!!!PLEASE!!!!!

Then she realizes the sound is coming from her broken heart. She has the sense of

falling, falling into darkness, and then all is black.


End file.
